How do we tell the children?
Jun 09, 2025Some parental guidelines for making the best of a difficult conversation
When parents begin to prepare for divorce, one question that our clients frequently ask is, “How do I tell my children that we are getting a divorce?” It’s an excellent question, and the answer for you and your family depends on several variables, including the age and developmental capacity of the children involved.
Most children will remember this conversation for their entire lives—what you say, where you say it, and when you say it. It’s always best when parents can decide these things together. Working with a family counselor or other mental health professional can often provide helpful guidance, particularly when the divorcing parties aren’t in agreement. However, there are several general guidelines that I have come to believe are applicable in most situations.
Be united. Both parents should be together for the conversation unless doing so is likely to be disruptive or damaging to the children. If both parents can be together, the children will view their parents as a united front, even at this most difficult moment, and the children will receive consistent information. When parents review what they will say in advance, they tend to do better and stick to the script. If both parents cannot be together, try not to paint the other parent as the one “at fault.”
Have children together. Having the children together ensures they all hear the same thing and have one another for support.
Set aside enough time. Be sure to schedule enough time for this conversation so that no one feels rushed and there is ample time for questions. Avoid a special occasion like a birthday or holiday so that “the day mom and dad told us” does not ruin what may otherwise be a happy occasion in future years.
Keep it simple. No matter the ages of the children, they do not need the details. Children will want to know how their lives will change. Where will they sleep? What can they bring to the other parent’s house? If you know which parent is going to stay in the house, or if you have any information about a parenting schedule, tell the children so that they understand how their daily lives will be impacted and will be assured that their immediate needs will be met. Let them know what will change and what will stay the same.
Keep it clean. Try to remain civil. The purpose of this conversation is to provide information to the children and to reassure them that they are supported and loved. Children will want to know that this is not their fault and that both parents love them. This is not a time to hash out who is to blame.
Try not to judge the response. A child may express no emotion, break down hysterically crying, or do something in between. There is no wrong or right reaction. Validate their feelings. Let your children know that they can ask questions whenever they want, and you will do your best to answer them.
Everyone will need time to adjust. Most importantly, parents must remain emotionally present and reassuring throughout the process. Parents who model their own healing and self-care over time will also be of significant value in helping children adapt and heal.
Other Questions?
What kind of divorce do you want? What is possible? The Family Law attorneys at Orr & Reno include trained mediators and collaborative law practitioners who are widely recognized for their ability to resolve family matters outside of court through mediation, negotiation, and collaborative law. For many clients, a quick, efficient, and cooperative resolution is the best possible outcome. For those cases that cannot be resolved amicably, we have an equally capable and experienced litigation and appellate team to aggressively advance our client’s interests. Don’t hesitate to contact Orr & Reno if you need assistance.
